I should do whatever you want because you are an invalid

Sam was who had convinced me to sign off from the online 'meet new people' world.

I think of myself as a pretty straightforward person. However, the one place where I delude myself is the online dating scene. I think dating online is little better than an arranged marriage - with no chance of romance. But it is good as an ego booster. Very good. Anything thats let others judge you mostly on the basis of your best picture is an ego booster, right?

So, when facebook had one of the nifty applications for meeting people, I added it. Trust me, it is really an ego boost to see how many cute looking dudes have clicked 'Yes' on my picture. The makers of the application very smartly did not add the option to see how many people clicked 'No' on you. MuJo did not really like clicking 'No' on everyone, but BiJo happily abused the 'No' button to the extreme that it went on vacation, and reincarnated as 'May be Later' to BJ's disgust and MJ's relief.

That was where she met Sam. Now, Sam posted his profile pic as one in a group of three. And he had clicked Yes on her. MJ was too shy, BJ was too egotistic and I was too lazy to go and browse the male profiles. BJ sniggered. "He's the ugly one."

I was cautious: "Well, hard to say who is good looking and who is ugly - the snap is taken from a mile away - and without a telescopic lense."

BJ said, after careful consideration: " Dudes! when was the last time a cute guy posted a picture of his in a public forum where he was the most good looking of the lot? The good looking ones always, always have single person pictures."

MJ was full of human kindness: "Well gals... look at it this way... this guy is on a wheelchair."

"Hard to say. Like I said, who took this crap shot?" I love photography, and hate badly shot snaps.

"Probably thats what the guy wanted. Take a crapo shot, surround himself with better looking friends, and may be some idiot will click yes."

"Pretty sad... and anyway, no guy ever has take things beyond clicking yes. Finnish men seem to be..."

"...afraid of women."

"I was thinking of shy." MJ sounded wounded.

"Oh whatever. Click yes and make his day. He probably wont respond." BJ conceded.

Exactly 12 hours later, I got an email from Facebook, or more precisely, Sam. The gist of the message was as follows:

1. I am on a wheelchair
2. Hi beautiful, I'm Sam
3. I am on a wheelchair
4. Down woman! Keep your virtual hands off me! Lets take things slow and keep things casual!
5. I am on a wheelchair
6. Lets meet this weekend.
7. I am on a wheelchair

I thought the beautiful line was lame and the rest of it sounded like I shouldn't be meeting him. MJ thought it was unimaginative and boring. BJ was rolling on the floor, laughing so hard at the line, at the fact that he seemed to think Jo wanted to do him.

We know invalid people who are much more fun than people without disabilities. This guy sucks. Let's not meet him." we girls decided.

I talked about Sam over lunch to Benny. Benny, bless her own mushy heart, wanted me to meet Sam.

"Just once. Then you can tell him that you just want to be friends, or nothing."

And thus, the following weekend I sit alone in one of the busiest coffee shops. The guy is late. by 45 minutes. I had finished the smoothie and her book. I send an sms saying I am leaving, and gets one back saying that he is at the shop already.

1o minutes later, he enters the shop with his caretaker. I think that Benny must meet the caretaker. He is cute, fabulous and is very friendly.

The conversation went as follows:

Sam: Sorry I am late.

BJ: Fuck... this guy is ugly....

MJ: That's so cruel to think! To say! I think we must be even ready to kiss him if he wants to.

BJ & I: Drop down MJ!

I: I love making friends online. I think internet, as a dating medium sucks big time, but it is really great to make friends.

BJ: Also, tell him how you thought you were meeting his friend, not him.

MJ and Jo: Shhhh!

Sam introduced me to his caretaker, Jonathan from Nigeria. Pleasanteries all around. I get a call from Benny, excuses myself and calls Benny back. After trying to fight with both Benny and MJ, I give up and agree to invite Sam and his caretaker to the grill that the girls have organized.

As a meeting friends event, it was ok. Jonathan was nice, friendly and relaxed. Sam whined, talked a lot about his disability and ordered Jonathan around.

Benny and me tuned out Sam. I was happy in a perverse way, seeing Benny try her best not to snap at Sam for being all British overlordy to Jonathan.

And that was it - they thought. Pleasant goodbyes, and promises of tying to get together sometime.

But no, Sam had to open his mouth: "You may not see Jonathan too much. I will move him during weekdays. On weekends, I will have a female caretaker. And this weekend I am having a party, and Jo, I invite you."

Awkward.... it was Benny who invited him to the grill, not me, and Jonathan was being snubbed big time.

"Sorry dude, already have plans for weekend." I say.

Two days later, I get a call from him. When I was making love to Tony Stark. Ok, it was in a movie theater, and the rest of the women were also doing the same while the men crushed on Iron Man. Thanking the moment when I put the phone on silent ( I was expecting a work call at around 9pm) the call is rejected, with a little glee.

After the movie, I wonder if I should call back. It is 20 minutes after the time I got his call. It is 930pm. Isnt it a bit late? But I still do, reasoning that if it was any other friend, I would have.

Sam picks up the phone, and tries to convince me to keep everything casual. Not to be so damn impatient. And invites me home for a late night movie date.

I decline. And say my goodbyes and hang up. I dont think I could have been civil for much later.

And now I wonder:

1. How can giving a call back be wanting to jump his bones? I can be pretty wanting to jump your bones and be obsessed about a man, but not with this guy. That happens when I am wooed with words, words which make me want to purr like a cat and wrap myself around the man. Didnt happen here. Nach.

2. Why did I stand up for jerky behavior just because this guy was an invalid? I know. Its because I am a huge softie. Its not a very admirable trait.And that leads to getting ass kicked.

Now, there are two tangents here: One is about the men who made me purr with their words, the other is about the times when I was a softie. I guess I will deal with the softie part first.

The philosophy of love

Mea Culpa: Im not feeling too well today, but fever makes me stubborn, and I so going to blog. All halluscinatory expressions are caused by fever, not by anything fancier.

I was about to blog about Sam, but today, today I am only going to talk about the Boy.

He was the first love of my life.

He is the only man whom I have loved to such an extent that I was willing to give up on every semblance of my identity just to please him.

He was the most toxic of my relationships.

I learnt the most about relationships from him.

And today he got married. ( Or tomorrow? Im not very sure, and frankly I couldnt care less, but for dramatic effect, lets say today.)

And the girls checked me out. They wanted to know how I was doing. They wanted to know if I plan to marry. The wanted to know, bless their sweet souls, if I was holding out for him.

I was able to answer them witt utter honesty. I am doing good. I enjoy being with myself, and I am not afraid of my singlehood. I may marry - if I meet the man whom I know will be a good dad to my kids; a man who can be loved with all his imperfections.

No, I was not holding out for him. I am holding out for someone who think that marriage need not be boring, need not be unimaginative. He might be 90, and I may get to spend only a few months with him, but still I would call that a life worth living.

In a song, it must be like this - and thanks Bollywood for coming up with a song for every situation! There are basically some crapazoid English lyrics, sounds like a BackStreet Boys song. And I mean it in a totally yuck way. Ive removed them. Its the beauty of Hindi & Urdu which entices me.

And here is the song from U, Me aur Hum : Worth a hearing... but watch the movie at your own risk...

Apne rang gawaen bin, mere rang mein ghul jao

Apni dhoop bujhaye bin, meri chhao mein aa jao

Oh chalo yoon kare,Tum, tum bhi raho, main, main bhi rahoon

Hum, hum bhi rahein

Teeno mil ke saath chale

Saathi janam janam, u me aur hum.

Without losing your colors, merge with mine

Without losing your heat, come to my shade

Lets do this - You be you, I'll be me

And we'll be us

And all three will travel together

As friends over lifetimes; U, me and us

Jaise baadal paani ka, yaarana hai

Jaise gul aur khushboo ka, dostana hai

Waise hee rahein hum tum

Waise hi jiyein hum tum

Tere mere haathon mein, koi bhi pinjara na ho

Ek duje par apna,

Haq toh ho kabza na, ho har haal mein,

Tum, tum tum bhi raho, main, main bhi rahoon

Hum, hum bhi rahein

Like the companionship of cloud and water

Like the friendship of rose and fragrance

Let us be like that

Let us live like that

Lets not try to cage each other

On each other

Lets have our claim, but not control or possessiveness

You be you, I'll be me

And we'll be us

Ek din toh who lamha, bhi aana hai

Dono me se ek ne, chale jaana hai

Baatein yeh sabhi hum tum, jaanlein abhi hum tum

Dono mil ke saath mein, aise jeena seekh lein

Taaki jo peeche rahein, usko na ho mushkilein
Oh chalo yoon jiye, agar main na rahoon

Ya tum na raho, hum, hum hee rahein

Jaise saaya saath chale, saath rahein hardum

U me aur hum

One day, that moment too will come

When one of us will have to leave

Let us realize these truths right now

And learn to live life such that

Whoever is left behind wont have a tough time

Lets live like this; if I'm not there

Or if you are not there, we will still be us

Like how a shadow keeps one company,

We will keep each other company

U, me and us.

My only grouse is that this song did not get relased during my dumbo years. It would have given me a lot of clarity on what I wanted from life and saved me a lot of money, time and effort! :o)

Hobbit to Whiney in a Saturday afternoon

ओह वेल्ल.

Why the fuck is it coming in Hindi?

I hate it when this happens. People, and Internet, seeing the India tag naturally assumes that Hindi is my mother tongue.

Its not. I am a Malayalee. No I don't belong to Malay. And the food you get in the Indian restaurants? They are North Indian food - so different from my healthy, non oily mallu food - aah; the appams, beef stew, puttu, aviyal, fish curry....

OK, rant and food fantasy over.

Ah well... as I was about to say, when you dont post too often, it can lead to embarrassing memory lapses. Like someone asking me about Hobbit, and me going in my mind Hobbit who..? And realizing that we are talking about, Ahem, Whiney here.

The first time me, Benny, Zio and the man formerly known as Hobbit went on a bike ride was one week after we had met him. Now, me and Benny have a pact of sisterhood. We will meet cute men in real life, and its a free for all. Both of us will flirt outrageously if we think the guy is cute and have some brains, and the man, without him ever knowing, is given a choice to pick and choose between the short tiny Indian and the fabulously curvy Pole. Zio is from her homeland, and helps us with our bikes and has a projector which we use to beam up the movies to a wall and have a better than home theater experience.

The bike ride was a very interesting experience. Hobbit was like bugs bunny on crystalmeth, shouting insults at any Finn who was in his line of vision. And no, he wasn't drunk. We could not hear ourselves thinking because of his constant chattering. And what with the almost juvenile need to be at the front of the pack. Oh please.

Benny & me looked at each other. We wanted to know what the other thought, and:

'He talks a lot.'
'Yup. But hey, he is a nice guy.'

Honey, I hope you haven't fallen for this talk-a-thon guy... but if you do, I'm your friend... still.

'Yup. Very nice, cheerful.... but he talks a lot.'
'He seems to like Zio'

Please,pretty please, let him be gay and have a crush on Zio!

'Oh well.. but he told me about how his met this chick in the bar... and later deleted her mobile number as she was seen talking to another man.'
'.....'
'What an idiot.'
'Yeah, where is he from, Afghanistan?'
'And he didnt tell me his age when I asked him!' ( this is a crime in our books. We tell our ages, why cant him? Though in all fairness, I get asked for age identification to prove I am over 18 all the time, and I kind of think that he doesnt. Not with his grey hair.)
'Who is he? Paris Hilton?'
'Jo... its not very nice... ' Benny doubles up laughing.
'Next time he want to crib about work, I will ask him to take us to Che Domnique . Just coz we are in HR, it doesnt mean that we have to listen to him crib!'
'Bad girl... bad girl!' Benny shakes her head at me.

Hallelujah! We have both established that while this guy is ok as a friend, he is zilch when it comes to the paramour section. But Ben feels slightly guilty about our behind the back bitching.

'We are evil girls.'
'Cruel ones.' I agree with her whole heartedly.
'No sympathy. No sympathy at all!'
'But how we love it!' Yes, we both do. And thats why we are friends.

And to add icing to the cake, he then talks about his air hostess girlfriend the next time we meet at his place. We look forward to meeting her - she sounds like a potential addition to our female circle.

Now the order is established. Whiney whines about work, Finland, his salary, his colleagues, cooks us food, whines some more, buy us coffee, whines some more, and we are all friends. And being friends, we make fun of him right to his face ( though we call it constructive criticism).

But still I think he has a secret crush on Zio!